WORKINGS OF THE MIND
As I stepped out of home for my customary morning walk, the chill breeze seemed to greet and mock me at the same time. For no apparent reason, I suddenly felt a sense of unease. Regardless, I plodded on, my psychologist mind immediately went into overdrive…Why was I feeling like this? What thought or visual had I encountered this morning that has led to this feeling? The previous day had been a busy one, both in terms of work and home. I had also ended up sleeping late, post 12 pm … so was sleep deprived as well. My walk companion — my husband was not with me today. He chose to unwind the previous night by catching one of the famous Netflix web series and so after seeing off our son to school, he decided to grab some much-needed sleep.
I walked on towards the mini forest area near our home, which was our usual walking spot. The feeling of unease got worse, I decided to change routes thinking that maybe a change of place would help me clear my mind and feel better, so I walked towards a nearby park instead. Watching the other morning walkers seemed to calm my mind and release my tension. But that relief was short lived. As I was walking, tiredness & sleep deprivation kicked in and I felt my eyes drooping a bit. I began to feel anxious again! I vigorously rubbed my eyes and widened it as I continued to walk… but still my anxiousness seemed to increase. Again, my mind went into overthinking mode — What if I lost consciousness and fell down? What if I experienced temporary blindness? Who would help me? These thoughts continued to cloud my mind and my discomfort just seemed to increase. My situation was almost nearing panic! I felt my heart rate rising and my hand and legs beginning to shiver. In that split second, I decided to head back home. I made it a point to take deep breaths and also smile.. as I’d read somewhere that when you smile your body tends to relax as happy hormones are released. I felt weird smiling to myself when walking on the road… but I really wanted to calm myself and reach home safe.
As I neared home, I began to slowly relax and even felt a bit ashamed for having felt so out of control. I analyzed what I actually felt back there in that situation — FEAR! Fear of losing control, of facing embarrassment, of not knowing how to handle myself. It actually puzzled me because I have faced far worse, even crisis situations in my life with immense courage and resolve. And here I was a bundle of nerves for a simple, non-provoking situation. Being a psychologist, I have a natural tendency to focus and ponder over feelings, emotions, behavior patterns etc. This situation again drew me to the beauty and complexity of the mind and ones’ thinking process. I realized that more than anything, one of the biggest challenges is to control and tame the workings of the ‘MIND’.
